The Core Principle
If you do good in this life, your afterlife will be filled with visions of the good your loved ones do.
If you do bad in this life, you will only witness the cringiest, most disappointing moments of your loved ones in the afterlife.
Your eternity is a reflection of your impact. Choose your vibe wisely.
Scripture of Brian
“The Good shall bask in joy, the Wicked shall cringe eternally.” – Brian 4:20
“Let not thy cousin’s NFT scheme trouble you, unless thou scammed too.” – The Scroll of Uncles 2:17
“Blessed are the snack sharers, for their pantry shall be endless.” – Epistle to the Roommates 3:11
Brian's Beatitudes!
- Blessed are the bringers of beer, for their six-packs shall multiply like loaves and fishes in the cooler.
- Blessed are the openers of tricky bottle caps, for their wrists shall never ache and their lighters never break.
- Blessed are the passers of chips before the entrées arrive, for they shall never know the sorrow of crumbs at the bottom.
- Blessed are they who refill the salsa without being asked, for their nachos shall remain fully dressed.
- Blessed are those who pair the right beer with the right food, for their taste buds shall rejoice and their guests Instagram them.
- Blessed are the sharers of the last cold one, for their cooler shall be forever frosty.
- Blessed are the double-dippers who confess, for mercy shall be upon them and new chips provided.
- Blessed are the kitchen cleaners after supper, for their pint glasses shall be refilled without limit.
- Blessed are the snack stockpilers, for their pantry shall never go barren at halftime.
- Blessed are all who raise a toast at supper, for their company shall be merry and their chips forever crunchy.
The Ten Snackmandments (Beach & Booze Edition)
- Thou shalt not swipe thy neighbor’s labeled cooler drinks, lest thy afterlife cabana be eternally dry.
- Honor the communal tiki bar, and rotate bringing the good rum, not just the bottom-shelf stuff.
- Thou shalt not spill margarita mix in shared spaces nor leave empty limes on the counter, for the ants are an abomination unto Brian.
- Remember Sunset Happy Hour, and keep it holy — do not speak ill of overpriced piña coladas.
- Thou shalt not double-dip thy chip in communal guac, unless thou art alone beneath the beach umbrella and hath no witnesses.
- Blessed are the refillers of the ice chest, for their beverages shall never go warm on the sand.
- Thou shalt not hoard all the good craft beers from the communal cooler, nor hide the hard seltzers in thy beach bag.
- Thou shalt share the last shrimp on the platter fairly, by coin flip, rock-paper-scissors, or honorable seashell duel.
- Do unto others’ tropical snacks as thou wouldst have them do unto thine, especially when it cometh to fancy cheeses and charcuterie boards.
- Thou shalt bring snacks and drinks that match the beach vibe, and not show up with sad celery sticks at a rum-punch luau.
Voices of the Faithful
“Ever since I joined the Way of Brian, I’ve stopped rage-posting on Facebook. I want my afterlife feed to be pure.” – Sister Donna of the Chill Vibes
“Brian helped me forgive my roommate for eating my labeled yogurt. It was… divine.” – Brother Chad of the Blessed Fridge
“When I learned that jerks get stuck watching cringe TikToks forever… I reformed.” – Reverend Memeus
Divine FAQ
- Does Brian judge?
- No, Brian just vibes. The Universe handles the sorting algorithm.
- Is there a dress code?
- Nope. Pajamas are encouraged, especially flannel.
- Can I still eat bacon?
- Absolutely. Brian believes in brunch without bounds.
- What happens after I die?
- Your soul gets front-row seats to the highlight reel of your loved ones’ lives—filtered by your own goodness.